cruel fun at others' expense
THE HILLS JR. finally, little kids are useful for something
so true.
(via rocioguillen)
Sh*t You Don’t Wanna See Summarized Vol. 1: New Moon
So if you got your giggles watchin Twilight and were thinkin about Netflixin round two of Dawson’s Creek-reject emotional BS rife with hilar domestic abuse metaphors, nah, I’ll pass on the highlights:
0:00-0:02 R-Patz sparkles and walks in slow motion
0:03-0:30 R-Patz and Bella Bags-Under-Her-Eyes Swann stare at each other moodily. There might be some dialogue can’t remember.
0:31-1:00 Bella deals with her abandonment issues. Pops some wheelies with a baldin fatty she met at a bar named One-Eyed Pete’s (heyoo kiddies this is a Pg-13 flick!). Uses her minority friend to repair some motorbikes so she can try to kill herself (don’t worry kiddos, Taylor Lautner is less than 1/4 Native American in real life — just an overly-tanned whitey if you need a reminder).
1:01-1:30 Bella cockteases a minority with anger management issues and secrets. The movie’s first black character arrives. He is obvi a murderer and gets eaten. Also Bella tries to jump off a cliff and a ginger kid tries to kill her.
1:31-1:40 Eddy tries to kill himself when he thinks Bella has killed herself (there were some Romeo+Juliet NOT-SUBTLE allusions earlier to make the suicide-per-30 minutes seem more romanti-tragical). Method of suicide? Taking off his shirt and sparkling to hundreds of onlookers so really important vamipre muckity mucks kill him for revealing vampire superimportant sparkly secrets.
1:41-1:45 Dakota IMNOTYOURFANning makes her appearance — everyone’s least fave Uptown Girl really went to town with her 5 lines and gave Eddy a hernia — lots of CGI veins were added. Fake, but still gross.
1:46-2:00 Sh*t got wrapped up. Abandonment issues resolved. Jacob wears jorts in another scene (3 times total! remember he is a fashion-ignorant minority who works on cars). Also Kellan Lutz gets his 2nd line. He’ll probably get 3 next movie now that’s he a famous whore. Oh and there was a marriage proposal in case you forgot a Mormon wrote this sh*t.
Guest post from Sarah Kurusz (well, it was a guest post by her on a blog she actually likes — this blog mainly tries to ruin her so no wonder i had to go steal it)
Have you ever gotten that dreaded piece of paper in the mail that summons you to jury duty and immediately googled, “How to get out of jury duty”? If you have, you will see there are 8.5 million articles on how to do exactly that. The WikiHow page gives numerous ideas on how to be a terrible U.S. citizen and opt out of your civic duty. It explains that in order to properly get out you must have three essential things:
1. The willingness to forego bathing
2. Excellent acting skills, and
3. Highly offensive clothing
When I received that tiny envelope I jumped for joy and tried searching for the exact opposite. I was so excited at the thought of being in a movie scene court room with lawyers constantly screaming out, “OBJECTION” while the judge huffs and either grumbles, “sustained” or “over-ruled”. I imagined walking in with the catchy theme song to Law & Order playing in the background while the defendant sits in shackles in a bright orange jumpsuit begging for mercy.
But my search came up about 8.5 millions ways short. I quickly realized there is not one list of guaranteed ways to get picked for a case during jury duty. If you so happen to be blessed with the opportunity, follow my seven simple rules and you will find yourself in the jury box faster than the time it takes you to properly pronounce the actress’ name that plays Detective Olivia Benson.
1. Dress appropriately- I woke up 2 hours early in order to get ready and looked more professional in a room full of half-hobos than I do for my regular 9-5 job. Make sure you leave your graphic tees, apple bottom jeans, boots with the fur, and pretzel necklaces at home.
2. Bring reading materials that make you appear smart- You don’t want to be the girl crammed between strangers reading Cosmo’s “Sex sessions that ended in the ER”. Instead, opt for a Time Magazine or Washington Post and save the sex articles for your busy commute to work.
3. Don’t laugh- It’s really hard not to laugh when a white 20-something female lawyer is screaming “I’m dirty. I’m ready for those bitches!” while pulling at her shirt to expose a fake gun in her pants. But honestly, it will be a lot less awkward for both of you if you keep your giggle blizzard out of the courtroom.
4. Be like the defendant- The judge will ask you a number of questions. If you truly want to be picked, be like the defendant and LIE! LIE! LIE! (until you’re under oath, obvi). If asked if you live in the area that the crime took place in say no. Even if you are the defendant’s neighbor. If asked if you have strong feelings towards the police, either good or bad, say no. Even if your dad was named 2009 Palm Beach County Officer of the Year.
5. Change your name a few times- Lists are complied from the department of motor vehicles, voter records, and taxes, so if you can, change your name you may have a chance of your name being listed three or four times in the jury pool lottery. For instance, I dropped my middle initial off my drivers license, used my real name on my taxes, and added my maiden name initials on my voter records. I instantly upped my chances by 300%!
6. Play dumb- Get in line and try to enter random courtrooms day after day. When they ask where your badge is or what juror number you are, simply say you lost it or weren’t assigned a number. No one really knew what they were doing the entire time I was there so it would be that difficult to sneak your way onto a case.
7. Pretend- Out of 74 possible jurors that day a midget and an elderly woman in a motorized wheelchair were chosen. They were the only two disabled people in the courtroom and still were selected instead of the Mr. Rogers wannabe. Next time, I’m walking with a limp and a cane and using a neck brace.
Sarah Kurusz was born in the north, raised in the south and kicked out of both, so currently she whores herself out in the mid-atlantic.
Im sorry that people are so jealous of me. DONT TELL ME TO WALK IT OFF TINA FEY
this vid combines all my faves
MAN this movie has all the hotties in one place! Whoressica Alba, that werewolf freak, and dreamboat Kathy Bates — someone get me a lonely fat girl to see this movie with Friday!
The cast of Valentine’s Day in the order that I have a crush on them:
Queen Latifah – I really like that movie where she played a sassy black woman with a heart of gold who stood up to the white man… so any of them
Taylor Lautner – not for that werewolf shit but for his first movie for the movie’s highlight: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EmQ59uzTZw4&NR=1
Jennifer Garner – omg remember Alias? But honestly you know she’s as nice in real life as she seems
Bradley Cooper – omg remember Alias?
Anne Hathaway – um she macked on Erik Von Detton and hung out with Mandy Moore in Princess Diaries 1 then Princess Diaries 2 she married the future Star Trek captain James Tiberius ballerrrr
Kathy Bates – in Misery, she made hobbling cool way before Sue Sylvester made jokes about it on Glee
Jessica Biel – 7th Heaven, man! Until she vandalized the gym, worked at a pizzeria then became a stewardess and quit the show… has she ever made a good movie?
Topher Grace – he gets points for In Good Company but then minus A MILLION POINTS for Spider-Man 3
Eric Dane WHO IS THIS!?
Jamie Foxx – he hit Beyonce in DreamGirls = dead 2 me
Ashton Kutcher – I followed him on Twitter for a week. I’ve had my fill of this douche
Patrick Dempsey – Grey’s Anatomy was so 2006
Jessica Alba – remember when she was on the series premiere of the Secret World of Alex Mack!? It was all downhill from there
Once me and my twin wrote an article for the Cav Daily explainin to ignorant first-years how to do UVa right. The editors never ran it. Usually when they ran my columns they look for more subdued racism / classism / pro-over the counter drug abuse / pro-abortion but not pro-choice / and what’s the word for hating fat people? Also sometimes I just added elaborate tangents just to sneak in DIRTY WORDS (see if you can find fupa! the CD editors sure didn’t)
TWO ALUMS PULL A CLARISSA AND EXPLAIN IT ALL
OMG first-years, welcome to Grounds. Older kids, you stick around because our wisdom knows no age! AnyHOO, yay for college without classes having started yet. It’s like summer camp! – a really competitive summer camp without the bug juice and tanning opportunities. So when the evidence that “at UVA. your best isn’t good enough” – is that still a Facebook group? We’re so old!!! – starts becoming more and more apparent, your fave alums – after Tina Fey, Ben MacKenzie and Katie Couric duh – have some helpful advice.
This isn’t your typical snorefest Life column where we debate Alderman vs. Clemons or Newcomb vs. O-Hill or who is less likely to prosecute you for your crimes UJC vs. Honor*.” We’re alums, so we’re wise beyond yo years and honestly thinking about where you eat your ice milk makes us want to jab our brains out more than reading the Dec.
So here’s the deal, we’ve graduated, we did 90% or better on our Things-To-Do-Before-You-Graduate lists, we hugged Cav Man inappropriately – one of us got to second with him but it’s complicated – and now we’re gonna give you the scoop to do UVA right, whether you have four years left or just one – but mainly concentrating on those impressionable wrinkle-free first-years – even though your doe-eyed pep secretly disgusts us.
Declare your major like a week ago
Slots in those selective acronym majors PST, PPL, ROFL are filling up fast, but don’t be tricked! There’s only one major worth picking and it’s Pre-Lawn. “That’s not on SIS!” What the EFF is a SIS? I just went around Grounds the first day and followed cute kids to their classes and enrolled based on that… which also explains why I never took an engineering or science class.
No, the pre-lawn major doesn’t really involve class. And you definitely won’t have time for it by going to class – though you’ll still need that 3.7, so just borrow a less popular kid’s notes. Instead join some organizations. Two of them you need to take over within two and a half years, two you just need to get on the exec for – self-govern the heck outta that copying and filing! – and one you’re just joining to research so you can start a better – by better, I just mean newer – version of it in a year. We didn’t get twenty-seven a cappella groups by future Lawnies NOT forming redundant groups and calling it self-governance!
Then you just need to memorize five TJ quotes to live your life by for those essays. NOTE: If you are a girl, don’t use one of the quotes where he says women should not be smart or ever hold office. If you are not white, then you’re also going to have to be a little more picky. But the point is TJ’s great and you must selectively love everything he ever said!
Find a U.Va. Celeb Crush
You might not have noticed yet, but there are celebrities around Grounds, also known semi-affectionately to much less affectionately – depending on the context – as tools. Such celebrities include most – but not all of – the Lawnies, the StudCo prez, the Honor Chair, the Cav Daily EIC – if we didn’t add him, he’d just go behind our backs and add it anyway, get back in your tool box, Baker! Really, a U.Va. celeb is anyone who wields some tiny teensy bit of power in any of the “right” clubs. Plus, they get their position based on their great hair so you’d probably have a crush on them anyway.
Anyhoo, pick one and love them… publicly. The more public you are about your crush on this kid, the better! Maybe not better for your self-esteem, but for later hilarity definitely. Drop their names in loud dining hall conversations. Wink at them when they walk by. Profess your love to their faces as early as possible – preferably the first time you talk to them. A creepy facebook group might be appropriate.
These kinds of people love the attention – they don’t have 1500 Facebook friends because they’re not attention whores – even if they “claim” it is annoying and/or bizarre and/or you have boundary issues. When the restraining order comes just remember 50 feet away at all times means buy a telescopic lens for the cam!
If you’re not ruthless enough or don’t have the flowing locks to get a Pre-Lawn major, there’s always an MRS degree with a Lawnie!
Land a bestie – bffs are so high school
Seriously, when you land in your dorm room, it’s time to start evaluating that roomie for best friend material. You must evaluate them on their every action. Is she putting up a Celine Dion** poster? Then she’s probably a syrup-sloppin Canadian, and you don’t wanna invest in someone who’s abandoning the country – and you! – in four years, do you?
You need someone who will get your subtle, unsolicited Arrested Development quotes, someone who always comments on your hilarious Facebook status updates, someone who knows what brand of deep sea bottled water you drink, and most importantly someone who will text you when they see Benjamin MacKenzie from The O.C. – aka your favorite one of the three worthwhile former Hoos – on the Lawn… THIS IS WHY YOU’RE DEAD TO ME ELICIA!
Anyway, it’s time to drop that bff from high school that went to a different college. The high school bff can be a bridesmaid with your fugly sister, but college is where you find your MOH!
Keep at least one inferior friend
Remember how we talked about explaining to kids at other schools how you’re better than them? Well, don’t forget you’re also competing with fellow Hoos. People here are smart and attractive… so you need all the ego-stroking you can get – I don’t care what Beyonce says.
You want at least one friend in all your classes who will probably do worse than you. One who is going to make you look tanner and less blotchy in your Facebook pictures when you pose next to them. Someone whose life is always more tragic than yours so you can whine to them when you get your midterm grades back or when your U.Va. celeb crush’s Facebook updates to “no longer single.”
Pick a Political Passion
Find at least one semi-relevant, semi-obscure political subject to care about to the extreme – a subject that will earn you admiration of both peers and professors. An issue not so pressing that other people will know more about it than you do – sorry, leave the “Go Green” t-shirts at home, because we all saw Al Gore’s polar bear lovefest – but also not so obscure that even professors will try to cut you off when you talk about it in discussion – for example, SA’s archenemies at NAAFA!
Make sure it is something that will make you seem – “seem” because only nerds are actually these things – both politically informed as well as compassionate. If your interest has anything to do with a third-world country, you cannot spout off about it without visiting said country…several times. The first time can be ASB for some great photo opps, but then definitely do an independent study on it. And start a club at U.Va. to promote its wellbeing. We don’t do anything halfway at U.Va. – except when we go to football games, I’m sorry but it’s all downhill after the fire baton twirler.
Annoy your less preppy friends who chose a different – and thus wrong – school
Remember, it’s us versus them, and since some of your classmates are actually dorks who care about junk like Wow Cow and wearing ties outside in ninety-degree weather, you need to make that “us” look better by mocking others! This means correcting all your non-Hooville friends about important word distinctions like “Grounds” and “first-year” and about honor – ignore the fact William and Mary had an honor code first – and about how TJ is awesome – arguing this last one is good practice for your Lawn application essays duh!
Finally, remember, even if our advice gets you a little jail time, it’ll totes be worth it, because you’ll have some great inappropro Facebook wallposts and photos and other excuses not to accept your aunt Becky’s pending friend request.
*We do not even know what a UJC is and we majored in acronyms. So go assault willy nilly. Just don’t lie about it, because the kids on honor are usually really attractive and now how to exclude others. They will definitely kick you outta school and then quietly help you enroll in a better-ranked school
** AS and SA agree that Celine has the pipes of a wiser Mariah, and thus can be enjoyed privately on your iPod with only limited shame
— By Steve Austin (College ’09) and Ashley Simpson (College ’08)
DonkeyLips from Salute Your Shorts tries to kill bitchy preggers cheerleader Quinn from GLEE.
Oh and he thinks he’s a Teenage Ninja Mutant Turtle who as 80s cartoons taught us only do two things: fight crime and eat pizza.
on fighting crime: “I mainly target Shredder’s operatives. and black people”
on pizza: “this had better not be Digiorno. that stuff tastes like abortion”
Happy Holidays!
Tumblr users: Reblog this post by Dec. 26th and we will follow your blog by Jan. 1st!
Patrick Duffy talks with a crab about threesomes.
Other vids include: facebook, American Idol, threesomes, and all the important convo topics you’d wanna have with the dad from Step-By-Step or with a crab.
Thanks tv.gawker my new fave site everrrr
