cruel fun at others' expense

Oct 23, 2009 12:56pm
holiday-themed movies are the best. unfortch, Xmas gets them all! Halloween only has one (Nightmare Before Xmas is an XMAS movie thematically even if stylistically it’s mostly halloween-y). and sure Casper has that Devon Sawa-filled Halloween party climax but it doesn’t really count either. So there’s really only Hocus Pocus so thank goodness it’s a cinematic treasure filled with 9 LIFE LESSONS: 1. fat people are always retarded — sorry Kathy Najimy, I thought you were great in the Sister Act movies, but that broom-replacing vacuum you got stuck riding was a pretty blatant short bus metaphor 2. guys are really into shoes too — Max throws a tantrum at the beginning because he had to move across the country, his crush doesn’t like him, he has no friends, but mainly because another boy STOLE HIS NEW SNEAKERS. biggest comeuppance in this movie wasn’t the child-murdering witches dying, but when Max got his sneaks back obvi 3. reading will get your sister kidnapped — Max and whiny Thora Birch were doing so well near the end until they opened that Necronomicon-wannabe book and it led those witches right to em! if they had just watched TV and maybe done some coke lines they woulda been safer than reading 4. zombies can be fun — Billy the zombie messed around with two sisters, used the word BITCH in a disney movie, and became pals with the lil sis. i know Shaun of the Dead later showed how fun zombies can be, but Hocus Pocus did it first 5. talking cats are thebombdotcom — Thackery Binx, Sabrina’s Salem, that panther from the Jungle Book, those aholes in Lady and the Tramp — they all rocked 6. Sarah Jessica Parker should not be allowed near your kids — sure I have “Come Little Children” on my iPod but I just like to be reminded of before SJP made me hate her, no I will not watch your whiny tv shows/movies or buy your perfume you wiry freak 7. Madonna for a Halloween costume never goes old — though the cone bra is over. now you should go for Confessions on a Dance Floor leotard (FUPAs need not apply) or just bring a half-naked underwear model with you and call him Jesus (or if no one gets that, call him Justin and you’ll be just like MILEYYYY) 8. kilns actually ARE good for something! — oh cmon I know I was not the only kid at summer camp who thought about pushing the arts and crafts teacher into the kiln and turnin it on high. that art school dropout just didn’t understand my deep ceramic subtexts 9. Kenny Ortega does not make mistakes — directed Newsies, Hocus Pocus, and all the High School Musicals!? mos def the auteur of our generation

holiday-themed movies are the best. unfortch, Xmas gets them all! Halloween only has one (Nightmare Before Xmas is an XMAS movie thematically even if stylistically it’s mostly halloween-y). and sure Casper has that Devon Sawa-filled Halloween party climax but it doesn’t really count either. So there’s really only Hocus Pocus so thank goodness it’s a cinematic treasure filled with 9 LIFE LESSONS:

1. fat people are always retarded — sorry Kathy Najimy, I thought you were great in the Sister Act movies, but that broom-replacing vacuum you got stuck riding was a pretty blatant short bus metaphor

2. guys are really into shoes too — Max throws a tantrum at the beginning because he had to move across the country, his crush doesn’t like him, he has no friends, but mainly because another boy STOLE HIS NEW SNEAKERS. biggest comeuppance in this movie wasn’t the child-murdering witches dying, but when Max got his sneaks back obvi

3. reading will get your sister kidnapped — Max and whiny Thora Birch were doing so well near the end until they opened that Necronomicon-wannabe book and it led those witches right to em! if they had just watched TV and maybe done some coke lines they woulda been safer than reading

4. zombies can be fun — Billy the zombie messed around with two sisters, used the word BITCH in a disney movie, and became pals with the lil sis. i know Shaun of the Dead later showed how fun zombies can be, but Hocus Pocus did it first

5. talking cats are thebombdotcom — Thackery Binx, Sabrina’s Salem, that panther from the Jungle Book, those aholes in Lady and the Tramp — they all rocked

6. Sarah Jessica Parker should not be allowed near your kids — sure I have “Come Little Children” on my iPod but I just like to be reminded of before SJP made me hate her, no I will not watch your whiny tv shows/movies or buy your perfume you wiry freak

7. Madonna for a Halloween costume never goes old — though the cone bra is over. now you should go for Confessions on a Dance Floor leotard (FUPAs need not apply) or just bring a half-naked underwear model with you and call him Jesus (or if no one gets that, call him Justin and you’ll be just like MILEYYYY)

8. kilns actually ARE good for something! — oh cmon I know I was not the only kid at summer camp who thought about pushing the arts and crafts teacher into the kiln and turnin it on high. that art school dropout just didn’t understand my deep ceramic subtexts

9. Kenny Ortega does not make mistakes — directed Newsies, Hocus Pocus, and all the High School Musicals!? mos def the auteur of our generation
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