cruel fun at others' expense

Oh are you tired of watchin stupid virgins lighting black flame candles? Thank goodness it’s the week before Halloween where all yo fave shows teach us the importance of eating candy, dressing like hos, and hopefully dying by zombies or vampires (or whatever is hip that year) but being magically okay the following week. In celebration, here’s my list of the best Halloween eps of all time (well the last 15 or so years because things older than me have no merit).

Freaks + Geeks
The geeks go treating and the freaks go tricking. There are tons of hilar moments, but then omg that tragic accidental egging!

But that geek with the weird glasses totes stole the show with his Jamie Summers aka the Bionic Woman costume.
“I’m sorry, I can’t hear you.  Hold on I’m going to put the phone up to my bionic ear.  OW!  You don’t have to shout, I have bionic hearing.” Then he adds this lil gem about a different part of his body: “No these are not bionic, these are ALL ME!”

Boy Meets World

Oh, you thought I was gonna write about that episode where Shawn kills everyone? Already did that, but it’s not Halloween-themed you ignorant mofo! Instead there’s the episode where Cory becomes a werewolf and grows hair “in places where he doesn’t really see where having hair will help him” heyooo subtle puberty subtext!

also that college ep when DJ Tanner is a witch from next door who thinks matthew lawrence is cuter than will friedle!? and she dates jack because she wants to use their apartment balcony to summon lucifer or some bs.

“Millie, I wanna break up”
“I’m not Millie, I’m Ushkar, queen of malevolence, daughter of evil”
“Ushkar, I wanna break up”

and then melissa joan hart shows up (this was back when Sabrina and Boy Meets World were both on TGIF and this character crossover BLEW MY MIND)

Sabrina the Teenage Witch
speakin of that witch, obvi Sabrina had her own Halloween ep where I learned the hip way to make your candy deadly isn’t razor blades but adding MSG to the candy corn

How I Met Your Mother

I do NOT understand why everyone thinks “Slutty Pumpkin” is the greatest Halloween ep ever. Sure, it made The Office’s Halloween ep that same year look real sad – yeah Creed was a funny vampire but thanks Jim for makin me have to see a million 3-hole punch costumes ever since.

Anyway, I’ll admit Slutty Pumpkin gave a good summary of 20-something Halloween – you know you’re dealing with recent college grads when acapella makes an appearance! but it’s just more of the same Ted being desperate and dorky and it makes me wanna die. Seriously, if neil patrick harris came into yo apartment in a top gun fighter pilot with an extra costume and invited you out by saying “you can be my wingman, flight suit up!” HOOOW could you not go with him?

Friends
This show is totes the HIMYM of the 90’s. Also I love shows where one character dresses up as another for Halloween. Joey was Chandler in this one oh and Shawn dressed up as Cory one Halloween ep of Boy Meets World (bad afro hair and a red flannel shirt). Then Mark once dressed up as Ugly Betty (though that ep sucked so it’s not on this list). Always hilar.

Rachel gives one kid all the candy and is explaining she had to give it all away because the kid said she loved her. “No wonder you’re pregnant” heyoo Phoebe!

Fresh Prince
Will gets cursed and “I’m going to a party, but if I meet some hottie, don’t worry guys, I promise to practice safe HEX”

also, Carlton goes as Macaulay Culkin. ‘nuff said (he does the Home Alone scream at about minute 13 in this vid)

Buffy
College guy: Halloween’s just about sleeping around.
College guy 2: What holiday ISN’T about getting laid?
College guy: Arbor Day

yea yeah season 2 had that prech ep where everyone turned into the costume they were wearing but nu uh season 4 had that ep where all their worst fears came to life it was super scary. also it was when Anya (the best character) started her phobia of bunnies — “why do they eat so many carrots? what do they need such good eyesight for anyway!?” she’s right, they’re suspicious. even though Chandler totally pulled off that big bunny costume better than her.

Angry Beavers

the beavers go trick-or-treating (the day before halloween because there’s more candy available duh) and get caught in a bad monster movie plot “so inane and convoluted that I, the narrator, couldn’t even make sense of it” filled with overly dramatic characters like the girl who keeps falling while running from the mutant spleen — “my ankle!” then again “my other ankle!” then again “both my ankles!” and as drew barrymore taught us in the first ten minutes of Scream, the second you throw out an ankle you’re not gonna make the sequel. anyway, sure Ducktales already did the same plot as this but it’s not as funny

Rocko’s Modern Life

finally a show featuring the hidden underbelly of the holiday — candy addictions. philbert sasses some cheap penny-giving spinster, “pennies!? what are you crazy!? I NEED SUGAR!” and then barges into her kitchen and starts eating a bag of sugar from her cupboard BEEN THERE

Speaking of Nick Halloween eps, I remember that Hey Arnold had a good one but I couldn’t find it online to rewatch!

Anywho, is it obvious I have been doing nothing but watching Halloween TV the past week and are there any eps I have forgotten?!?