cruel fun at others' expense

Once me and my twin wrote an article for the Cav Daily explainin to ignorant first-years how to do UVa right. The editors never ran it. Usually when they ran my columns they look for more subdued racism / classism / pro-over the counter drug abuse / pro-abortion but not pro-choice / and what’s the word for hating fat people? Also sometimes I just added elaborate tangents just to sneak in DIRTY WORDS (see if you can find fupa! the CD editors sure didn’t)

TWO ALUMS PULL A CLARISSA AND EXPLAIN IT ALL

OMG first-years, welcome to Grounds. Older kids, you stick around because our wisdom knows no age! AnyHOO, yay for college without classes having started yet. It’s like summer camp! – a really competitive summer camp without the bug juice and tanning opportunities. So when the evidence that “at UVA. your best isn’t good enough” – is that still a Facebook group? We’re so old!!! – starts becoming more and more apparent, your fave alums – after Tina Fey, Ben MacKenzie and Katie Couric duh – have some helpful advice.

This isn’t your typical snorefest Life column where we debate Alderman vs. Clemons or Newcomb vs. O-Hill or who is less likely to prosecute you for your crimes UJC vs. Honor*.” We’re alums, so we’re wise beyond yo years and honestly thinking about where you eat your ice milk makes us want to jab our brains out more than reading the Dec.

So here’s the deal, we’ve graduated, we did 90% or better on our Things-To-Do-Before-You-Graduate lists, we hugged Cav Man inappropriately – one of us got to second with him but it’s complicated – and now we’re gonna give you the scoop to do UVA right, whether you have four years left or just one – but mainly concentrating on those impressionable wrinkle-free first-years – even though your doe-eyed pep secretly disgusts us.

Declare your major like a week ago

Slots in those selective acronym majors PST, PPL, ROFL are filling up fast, but don’t be tricked! There’s only one major worth picking and it’s Pre-Lawn. “That’s not on SIS!” What the EFF is a SIS? I just went around Grounds the first day and followed cute kids to their classes and enrolled based on that… which also explains why I never took an engineering or science class.

No, the pre-lawn major doesn’t really involve class. And you definitely won’t have time for it by going to class – though you’ll still need that 3.7, so just borrow a less popular kid’s notes. Instead join some organizations. Two of them you need to take over within two and a half years, two you just need to get on the exec for – self-govern the heck outta that copying and filing! – and one you’re just joining to research so you can start a better – by better, I just mean newer – version of it in a year. We didn’t get twenty-seven a cappella groups by future Lawnies NOT forming redundant groups and calling it self-governance!

Then you just need to memorize five TJ quotes to live your life by for those essays. NOTE: If you are a girl, don’t use one of the quotes where he says women should not be smart or ever hold office. If you are not white, then you’re also going to have to be a little more picky. But the point is TJ’s great and you must selectively love everything he ever said!

Find a U.Va. Celeb Crush

You might not have noticed yet, but there are celebrities around Grounds, also known semi-affectionately to much less affectionately – depending on the context – as tools. Such celebrities include most – but not all of – the Lawnies, the StudCo prez, the Honor Chair, the Cav Daily EIC – if we didn’t add him, he’d just go behind our backs and add it anyway, get back in your tool box, Baker! Really, a U.Va. celeb is anyone who wields some tiny teensy bit of power in any of the “right” clubs. Plus, they get their position based on their great hair so you’d probably have a crush on them anyway.

Anyhoo, pick one and love them… publicly. The more public you are about your crush on this kid, the better! Maybe not better for your self-esteem, but for later hilarity definitely. Drop their names in loud dining hall conversations. Wink at them when they walk by. Profess your love to their faces as early as possible – preferably the first time you talk to them. A creepy facebook group might be appropriate.

These kinds of people love the attention – they don’t have 1500 Facebook friends because they’re not attention whores – even if they “claim” it is annoying and/or bizarre and/or you have boundary issues. When the restraining order comes just remember 50 feet away at all times means buy a telescopic lens for the cam!

If you’re not ruthless enough or don’t have the flowing locks to get a Pre-Lawn major, there’s always an MRS degree with a Lawnie!

Land a bestie – bffs are so high school

Seriously, when you land in your dorm room, it’s time to start evaluating that roomie for best friend material. You must evaluate them on their every action. Is she putting up a Celine Dion** poster? Then she’s probably a syrup-sloppin Canadian, and you don’t wanna invest in someone who’s abandoning the country – and you! – in four years, do you?

You need someone who will get your subtle, unsolicited Arrested Development quotes, someone who always comments on your hilarious Facebook status updates, someone who knows what brand of deep sea bottled water you drink, and most importantly someone who will text you when they see Benjamin MacKenzie from The O.C. – aka your favorite one of the three worthwhile former Hoos – on the Lawn… THIS IS WHY YOU’RE DEAD TO ME ELICIA!

Anyway, it’s time to drop that bff from high school that went to a different college. The high school bff can be a bridesmaid with your fugly sister, but college is where you find your MOH!

Keep at least one inferior friend

Remember how we talked about explaining to kids at other schools how you’re better than them? Well, don’t forget you’re also competing with fellow Hoos. People here are smart and attractive… so you need all the ego-stroking you can get – I don’t care what Beyonce says.

You want at least one friend in all your classes who will probably do worse than you. One who is going to make you look tanner and less blotchy in your Facebook pictures when you pose next to them. Someone whose life is always more tragic than yours so you can whine to them when you get your midterm grades back or when your U.Va. celeb crush’s Facebook updates to “no longer single.”

Pick a Political Passion

Find at least one semi-relevant, semi-obscure political subject to care about to the extreme – a subject that will earn you admiration of both peers and professors. An issue not so pressing that other people will know more about it than you do – sorry, leave the “Go Green” t-shirts at home, because we all saw Al Gore’s polar bear lovefest – but also not so obscure that even professors will try to cut you off when you talk about it in discussion – for example, SA’s archenemies at NAAFA!

Make sure it is something that will make you seem – “seem” because only nerds are actually these things – both politically informed as well as compassionate. If your interest has anything to do with a third-world country, you cannot spout off about it without visiting said country…several times. The first time can be ASB for some great photo opps, but then definitely do an independent study on it. And start a club at U.Va. to promote its wellbeing. We don’t do anything halfway at U.Va. – except when we go to football games, I’m sorry but it’s all downhill after the fire baton twirler.

Annoy your less preppy friends who chose a different – and thus wrong – school

Remember, it’s us versus them, and since some of your classmates are actually dorks who care about junk like Wow Cow and wearing ties outside in ninety-degree weather, you need to make that “us” look better by mocking others! This means correcting all your non-Hooville friends about important word distinctions like “Grounds” and “first-year” and about honor – ignore the fact William and Mary had an honor code first – and about how TJ is awesome – arguing this last one is good practice for your Lawn application essays duh!

Finally, remember, even if our advice gets you a little jail time, it’ll totes be worth it, because you’ll have some great inappropro Facebook wallposts and photos and other excuses not to accept your aunt Becky’s pending friend request.

*We do not even know what a UJC is and we majored in acronyms. So go assault willy nilly. Just don’t lie about it, because the kids on honor are usually really attractive and now how to exclude others. They will definitely kick you outta school and then quietly help you enroll in a better-ranked school

** AS and SA agree that Celine has the pipes of a wiser Mariah, and thus can be enjoyed privately on your iPod with only limited shame

— By Steve Austin (College ’09) and Ashley Simpson (College ’08)