cruel fun at others' expense
Guest post from Sarah Kurusz (well, it was a guest post by her on a blog she actually likes — this blog mainly tries to ruin her so no wonder i had to go steal it)
Have you ever gotten that dreaded piece of paper in the mail that summons you to jury duty and immediately googled, “How to get out of jury duty”? If you have, you will see there are 8.5 million articles on how to do exactly that. The WikiHow page gives numerous ideas on how to be a terrible U.S. citizen and opt out of your civic duty. It explains that in order to properly get out you must have three essential things:
1. The willingness to forego bathing
2. Excellent acting skills, and
3. Highly offensive clothing
When I received that tiny envelope I jumped for joy and tried searching for the exact opposite. I was so excited at the thought of being in a movie scene court room with lawyers constantly screaming out, “OBJECTION” while the judge huffs and either grumbles, “sustained” or “over-ruled”. I imagined walking in with the catchy theme song to Law & Order playing in the background while the defendant sits in shackles in a bright orange jumpsuit begging for mercy.
But my search came up about 8.5 millions ways short. I quickly realized there is not one list of guaranteed ways to get picked for a case during jury duty. If you so happen to be blessed with the opportunity, follow my seven simple rules and you will find yourself in the jury box faster than the time it takes you to properly pronounce the actress’ name that plays Detective Olivia Benson.
1. Dress appropriately- I woke up 2 hours early in order to get ready and looked more professional in a room full of half-hobos than I do for my regular 9-5 job. Make sure you leave your graphic tees, apple bottom jeans, boots with the fur, and pretzel necklaces at home.
2. Bring reading materials that make you appear smart- You don’t want to be the girl crammed between strangers reading Cosmo’s “Sex sessions that ended in the ER”. Instead, opt for a Time Magazine or Washington Post and save the sex articles for your busy commute to work.
3. Don’t laugh- It’s really hard not to laugh when a white 20-something female lawyer is screaming “I’m dirty. I’m ready for those bitches!” while pulling at her shirt to expose a fake gun in her pants. But honestly, it will be a lot less awkward for both of you if you keep your giggle blizzard out of the courtroom.
4. Be like the defendant- The judge will ask you a number of questions. If you truly want to be picked, be like the defendant and LIE! LIE! LIE! (until you’re under oath, obvi). If asked if you live in the area that the crime took place in say no. Even if you are the defendant’s neighbor. If asked if you have strong feelings towards the police, either good or bad, say no. Even if your dad was named 2009 Palm Beach County Officer of the Year.
5. Change your name a few times- Lists are complied from the department of motor vehicles, voter records, and taxes, so if you can, change your name you may have a chance of your name being listed three or four times in the jury pool lottery. For instance, I dropped my middle initial off my drivers license, used my real name on my taxes, and added my maiden name initials on my voter records. I instantly upped my chances by 300%!
6. Play dumb- Get in line and try to enter random courtrooms day after day. When they ask where your badge is or what juror number you are, simply say you lost it or weren’t assigned a number. No one really knew what they were doing the entire time I was there so it would be that difficult to sneak your way onto a case.
7. Pretend- Out of 74 possible jurors that day a midget and an elderly woman in a motorized wheelchair were chosen. They were the only two disabled people in the courtroom and still were selected instead of the Mr. Rogers wannabe. Next time, I’m walking with a limp and a cane and using a neck brace.
Sarah Kurusz was born in the north, raised in the south and kicked out of both, so currently she whores herself out in the mid-atlantic.
