cruel fun at others' expense

Mar 21, 2010 7:26am
Sh*t You Don’t Wanna See Summarized Vol. 1: New Moon So if you got your giggles watchin Twilight and were thinkin about Netflixin round two of Dawson’s Creek-reject emotional BS rife with hilar domestic abuse metaphors, nah, I’ll pass on the highlights: 0:00-0:02 R-Patz sparkles and walks in slow motion 0:03-0:30 R-Patz and Bella Bags-Under-Her-Eyes Swann stare at each other moodily. There might be some dialogue can’t remember. 0:31-1:00 Bella deals with her abandonment issues. Pops some wheelies with a baldin fatty she met at a bar named One-Eyed Pete’s (heyoo kiddies this is a Pg-13 flick!). Uses her minority friend to repair some motorbikes so she can try to kill herself (don’t worry kiddos, Taylor Lautner is less than 1/4 Native American in real life — just an overly-tanned whitey if you need a reminder). 1:01-1:30 Bella cockteases a minority with anger management issues and secrets. The movie’s first black character arrives. He is obvi a murderer and gets eaten. Also Bella tries to jump off a cliff and a ginger kid tries to kill her. 1:31-1:40 Eddy tries to kill himself when he thinks Bella has killed herself (there were some Romeo+Juliet NOT-SUBTLE allusions earlier to make the suicide-per-30 minutes seem more romanti-tragical). Method of suicide? Taking off his shirt and sparkling to hundreds of onlookers so really important vamipre muckity mucks kill him for revealing vampire superimportant sparkly secrets. 1:41-1:45 Dakota IMNOTYOURFANning makes her appearance — everyone’s least fave Uptown Girl really went to town with her 5 lines and gave Eddy a hernia — lots of CGI veins were added. Fake, but still gross. 1:46-2:00 Sh*t got wrapped up. Abandonment issues resolved. Jacob wears jorts in another scene (3 times total! remember he is a fashion-ignorant minority who works on cars). Also Kellan Lutz gets his 2nd line. He’ll probably get 3 next movie now that’s he a famous whore. Oh and there was a marriage proposal in case you forgot a Mormon wrote this sh*t.

Sh*t You Don’t Wanna See Summarized Vol. 1: New Moon

So if you got your giggles watchin Twilight and were thinkin about Netflixin round two of Dawson’s Creek-reject emotional BS rife with hilar domestic abuse metaphors, nah, I’ll pass on the highlights:

0:00-0:02 R-Patz sparkles and walks in slow motion

0:03-0:30 R-Patz and Bella Bags-Under-Her-Eyes Swann stare at each other moodily. There might be some dialogue can’t remember.

0:31-1:00 Bella deals with her abandonment issues. Pops some wheelies with a baldin fatty she met at a bar named One-Eyed Pete’s (heyoo kiddies this is a Pg-13 flick!). Uses her minority friend to repair some motorbikes so she can try to kill herself (don’t worry kiddos, Taylor Lautner is less than 1/4 Native American in real life — just an overly-tanned whitey if you need a reminder).

1:01-1:30 Bella cockteases a minority with anger management issues and secrets. The movie’s first black character arrives. He is obvi a murderer and gets eaten. Also Bella tries to jump off a cliff and a ginger kid tries to kill her.

1:31-1:40 Eddy tries to kill himself when he thinks Bella has killed herself (there were some Romeo+Juliet NOT-SUBTLE allusions earlier to make the suicide-per-30 minutes seem more romanti-tragical). Method of suicide? Taking off his shirt and sparkling to hundreds of onlookers so really important vamipre muckity mucks kill him for revealing vampire superimportant sparkly secrets.

1:41-1:45 Dakota IMNOTYOURFANning makes her appearance — everyone’s least fave Uptown Girl really went to town with her 5 lines and gave Eddy a hernia — lots of CGI veins were added. Fake, but still gross.

1:46-2:00 Sh*t got wrapped up. Abandonment issues resolved. Jacob wears jorts in another scene (3 times total! remember he is a fashion-ignorant minority who works on cars). Also Kellan Lutz gets his 2nd line. He’ll probably get 3 next movie now that’s he a famous whore. Oh and there was a marriage proposal in case you forgot a Mormon wrote this sh*t.
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